Dysfunctional give and take

I've recently been working with groups of women who are unable to stop 'giving' to others. But their behaviour is unhealthy because it's 'co-dependent'. Co-dependence sounds like something good, but it isn't. It's very different from 'inter-dependence', which is a characteristic exhibited by good leaders or emotionally mature people. Inter-dependence is a place beyond an ego or fear-driven need for independence, which is often mistakenly regarded as being the pinnacle of human development.

Co-dependence is not a 'condition' but a behavioural pattern that seeks to fulfill a desperate gap in one's life. The label originally described the partner of an alcoholic or drug addict. Meaning that sometimes, partners unwittingly sustain or 'support' the habits of their counterparts just by always 'being there' for them and appearing to care for them. So each colludes with the other, for the fulfilment of their particular dysfunctional script.

Co-dependence usually surfaces in people from dysfunctional families. Where it was never safe to express the emotion one felt. Because it might have triggered a negative or violent reaction in someone else. Or the emotion was so intense we were afraid that if we began to express it, we'd also be unable to control it. It was usually coupled with not getting sufficient or indeed any love or support from the significant so-called care-givers in our early life. We quickly learned that if we did things for them or other people, we somehow 'bought' attention and maybe even some appreciation. The terrible sadness though, is that this unconscious pattern is then superimposed on many of our subsequent relationships and interactions as the 'blueprint' for the way the world works. Which of course, it doesn't. But it's the way our particular sad, distorted world works - driven by our quest to be loved.

Some common characteristics of the co-dependent person are: 1) They are unable to say 'no' and will almost always put the needs of others before their own. 2) They will usually appear to be very 'giving' people. Of themselves and their energies. 3) They attract an abnormal number of 'needy' people around them. 4) If you ask them why they help 'everybody', they'll usually give you a neat, packaged, religiously based answer, which will be difficult to argue against rationally. 5) If you ask them to describe how they would know if someone loved them just for themselves, and not for what they could do for that person's career, social or financial standing, they can't answer the question because they've usually never experienced such love. 6) If you ask them what emotional (not sexual) intimacy would feel like, they don't know. 7) They often feel intense emotion, but are unable to clearly define quite what that emotion is. For example: Is it fear, anger, resentment, or self-pity? They feel safer leaving out the detail of emotions because they've been programmed into experiencing identifiable emotion as 'unsafe.' 8) They often have few if any, real friends. Most of the people around them are parasites, leeches and 'takers'. 9) Their relationship difficulties, both personal and career, exhibit a repeated, predictable
and consistent pattern of failure - usually ending in disillusionment and sadness, that once again
they've been cheated of 'love'. 10) They may be sexually promiscuous, because their desperate
need for intimacy can appear to be satisfied for a time by sexual activity. 11) They will often
claim to be happy 'being on their own'. 12) They may appear to be 'super-copers' and give the
impression of being incredibly 'together'. Quite often their real confidence or status is
the exact opposite of what they project. This is called 'paradoxical co-dependence'. Because
their projection and thus the perception of them by others belies the reality. 13) They are often
found serving in the health or 'caring' professions and institutions or with charitable bodies.
They'll be more than adequately represented among psychologists or counsellors. Religious
organizations will also have their quota.

Equally dysfunctional, but at the exact opposite end of the continuum, are the 'takers'. They can spot a 'giver' at a thousand metres. These two types often land up in relationships, the one giving and the other taking - with each hoping to receive love through their negatively collusive but unconscious behaviour. It's destined to end only in resentment, unhappiness and depression.

The healing lies in recognizing the driving need behind the behavior. Starting with a reasonably insignificant or dispensable relationship, one needs to realize that this behaviour will remain unrewarded, and cut loose. When you break the pattern once and the sky doesn't fall on your head, it's a whole lot easier to do it again, and again. Until you're finally liberated.

About the Author

Clive is a marketing & communications strategist. His speciality is helping people and organizations make sustainable change. www.imbizo.com

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