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Dealing with Difficult People: the Alpha Male
Author : Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach
The term comes from monkeydom - the dominant male in the hierarchy who basically runs things and gets what he wants. In the monkey troop, theres only one and one of his privileges is hes often the only one who gets to mate.
In a nutshell theyre domineering, intimidating, impatient with people and details, thrive on responsibility, driven, irascible, know (not think) theyre right, often left-brained, and difficult.
Is there an "alpha female"? Studies have shown that females are not as innately** threatening as males. Also, across-the-board, males test lower in empathy and social responsibility - two traits that contribute to this personality style. So, not really!
**Tests for innateness mean it's evident with newborns, and in every culture, therefore not something "learned".
How do you cope with one? Here are some suggestions.
1. Take a stand.
You won't get to hold it, but if you don't, you'll become irrelevant.
2. Learn their language.
This is helpful with anyone, learning how they speak, and essential with the alpha male. Listen to the alpha and parrot back, using his terminology. For instance, if you get an email saying, You were wrong, you can reply, How do I do this right?
3. Maintain your dignity and self-respect.
It may well be under assault, and its up to you. The alpha male isnt looking out for you, your feelings, or sentiments, or often even your opinion. If you show hes getting to you, youll likely get more of it. (To them it's a show of "weakness".) Learn to manage your nonverbal communication - facial expressions, position of hands, posture, etc.
4. Come in equipped with Emotional Intelligence.
Youre going to need it. They are results-driven, and this means they run rough-shod over people, whom they see as merely a means to their end. (You will be judged on how "useful" you are.) You will have to learn to protect yourself. Deal with the facts and dont take it personally. If you look around, it was just your turn, thats all.
5. Right and wrong.
Theres likely to be a lot of discussion about who was right and who was wrong. If you made a mistake, say so up front. (Often it's good to put as much in writing as you can about what you did, when, in case it comes up later and is subject to his "selective memory.") If you did something because of lack of knowledge say, I didnt know that at the time. Dont apologize.
6. Eliminate the ordinary "fluff".
Be analytical, logical and direct. Since they are relatively insensitive, direct comments you might make to someone else, will bounce right off their tough hide. Their ends justify any means, including disregard for others. They dont respond well to Im sorry, or How are you feeling today? They just dont like it, thats why.
7. If youre sensitive, you may need to find somewhere else to be. Period.
To the average alpha male, youre a breathing body and thats about it. He may not even bother to learn your name as he barks orders.
8. Stay neutral and don't admit to a weakness.
While it works with most people to say, Im learning this job and have a ways to go, to an alpha male, this is like waving a red flag to a bull. Stick with details, Yes, I see. It wont happen again. (Or say Yes I hear you or whatever your listening to his vocabulary has taught you.)
9. Avoid appearing (or being) submissive.
If you do, you'll lose his respect. Dont be intimidated by his anger. The basic reason is probably because it makes him feel good, so theres not a thing you can do about it. More than any other type, dont try to change him. It wont work. (If you do try, get something like a 360 - evidence from everyone else is all he'll believe.)
10. Don't waste his time.
Which is most of the normal niceties and social amenities.
About the Author
Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, business programs, Internet classes, teleclasses and ebooks around Emotional Intelligence. I train and certify EQ coaches. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for information on this fast, affordable, flexible, no-residency program. For FREE ezine, email me and put ezine for subject line. CHECK OUT THE BEST EBOOK LIBRARY ON THE INTERNET: www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.html .
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