|
Home::Technology & Science
Are You Sure She Knows That?
Author : Susan Dunn, MA, Emotional Intelligence Coach
I was out shopping for my beloved Annie, the little girl in my life, with my friend, Betty, who has four daughters of her own, five granddaughters, and two great-granddaughters. She’s a woman of a certain age, with wisdom, whose advice I’m often glad to take.
Shopping for a girl is new to me, the mother of grown sons. I can pull the right car, lego, or chemistry set off the rack in a split second, but this thing about dolls has me both baffled and enchanted. I remember back to childhood, but my own, not that of my children. My most recent home was filled with wheels, not dolls.
We proceeded to the display of angels, which is what Annie had asked for. No, my sons had never requested an angel, nor had they ever dreamed of being a “groom.” It wasn’t just the state of marriage that didn’t immediately enchant them, it was the tux. They never requested dress clothes either!
So many blond angels, I thought, but finally found one with brown hair, like Annie’s. I have noticed the changes in dolls over the years, and always say a silent prayer of thanks that now there are dolls with different shades of skin and hair, and different styles and lengths of hair, as in real life.
I pulled the brown-haired angel off the shelf and put it in my cart.
“What are you doing?” Betty asked.
“Well, Annie’s got brown hair,” I said. “I want her to see there are angels with brown hair.”
“Are you sure she knows that?” Betty replied.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Are you sure she knows she had brown hair and not blond?” Betty clarified.
Ah, I thought, listening to my wise friend. The fantasies we have. No, I thought quickly. I’m sure Annie envisions herself with the long blond hair of fairytales. Like many six year olds, she has a big imagination. I did when I was a little girl. I had blond hair but it wasn’t long blond hair … except in my dreams … because Prince Charming, of course …
Now, this isn’t about dolls resembling humans, or whether boys should be given dolls and girls wheels, or anything bigger than our inner lives, which is the hugest thing there is. As someone said, “We never really grow up, we just learn how to behave in public.”
Behaving in public is knowing you have brown hair, not blond. It means knowing you aren’t really Superman! But how many of us really get there?
I thought of the many adults I know who aren’t aware they “don’t have blond hair.” Perhaps you work with one or socialize with one. Someone who has delusions about themselves, or about how the world works. They come in many forms:
·The manager who thinks he’s God
·The marketing director who thinks she’s Venus, the goddess of Love
·Your friend who thinks he’s Atlas, condemned to carry the world on his shoulders
·Your sister who acts like Rapunzel, waiting to be rescued
·Your frantically “busy” neighbor who thinks the red shoes will save her
·Your partner, who occasionally thinks he’s Rumpelstiltskin and can straw into gold (or maybe you mistakenly think he can)
One of the best things we can do is gently hold up a mirror to someone to show them who they are. Sometimes we don’t know!
As the Scottish poet, Robert Burns, wrote, “O wad some po’er the gift tae gie us, tae see oursel’s as aithers see us,” which usually is translated from the Scottish into “I would to God the gift he’d give us to see ourselves as others see us.”
We see ourselves a certain way, and we also think a certain way. When we’re working with others, managing, parenting or coaching others, it’s important to understand how the other person sees himself of herself.
I use an assessment with clients called The StrengthsFinder® Profile ( http:/ inyurl.com/z750 ). Clients have thus far agreed that it’s right-on. It will show you what they call your “innate strengths,” and they relate to how you see the world, and therefore, how best you deal with it. You. Uniquely.
For instance, one of the Strengths is called “Connectedness.” Here the authors describe to the person with Connectedness what this means: “Things happen for a reason. You are sure of it. You are sure of it because in your soul you know that we are all connected. Yes, we are individuals, responsible for our own judgments and in possession of our own free will, but nonetheless we are part of something larger.” (Now, Discover Your Strengths, Buckingham and Clifton)
Notice how, in describing this person to him or herself, they say “You are sure of I” and “You know.”
As you read this, if you do not have Connectedness for a strength, you will be saying to yourself, “I’M not sure of that!” If you DIDN’T say that, think again. That this person is sure we are all connected to something larger will dictate how they think, how they solve problems, how they relate to other people, and a host of other things and this is the key to how they are different – different from you, and different from others. If you are working with this person, or relating to them and don’t ‘get’ this, you’ll be shadow-boxing.
The blond-hair, brown-hair … it has to do with perception of reality. It’s viewpoint. We each have our own. Children start out with a tenuous grasp of reality. When my Super Hero was little he would tell me defiantly, “Yes I AM going to ….” I would gently correct this to, “You WISH you COULD …” “I can do whatever I want because I’m bigger than you,” he would bellow, which I would translate to, “I know you wish you could do anything you want …”
We need a little of the Super Hero in ourselves to get by. It feeds our dreams, gives us courage and energy, helps us achieve and reach our potential. What we need to do is be mindful about this, and also mindful about this in others, and how it may or may not be distorting the picture. Our dreams and fantasies are directly related to our feelings, and our feelings guide our behavior.
Emotional Intelligence is all about self-awareness. Only when you are aware of yourself and your feelings can you understand those of others.
Remember that “Rumpelstiltskin” over there thinks he can spin straw into gold (and probably thinks you can too), so his expectations are going to be very high, and his disappointments very high as well, when he finds out he can’t (and that you can’t). Help him keep things in perspective because, alas, no one can spin straw into gold.
And help Atlas shrug. If you’ve got Connectedness, you’re just the one to do that. You know that we’re all connected and here to help one another. Atlas doesn’t have to carry the world all on his own shoulders.
Study Emotional Intelligence and develop yours. It will help you understand people better!
About the Author
©Susan Dunn, MA, Certified Emotional Intelligence Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . I teach individuals emotional intelligence through individual and group coaching, workshops, Internet courses and ebooks – http://www.webstrategies.cc/ebooklibrary.htm. ). A total program for personal and professional development. mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE ezine. I train and certify emotional intelligence coaches. Email me for information. Spam emails More free articles Related articles
|
More related feeds |
Everyone Leaves Home In The End
but she doesn’t ask him that, because she knows and always has done what the answer would be. She asks another, pointed, question instead. “You died for me, once. Back on the Game Station, with the Daleks. You died for me. ...The Bachelorette - The Final Rose
Crissy talks with DeAnna and says that she doesn’t feel like she knows Jesse, with Jason he opned up so much more and she felt like she did know him. She also asks DeAnna can you really see yourself having kids with this guy? ... simple beauty
Just when you swear the world has done away with beauty, and you have prepared yourself to live with your jaw tight, Liz if the rage against the pilfering of your joy. I am not sure if she knows. The best beauty is unaware and ... At the nighthearths
"You never know who might be listening!!" She leans forward a bit, resting her elbows on the tabletop in a most indelicate way. "Anyway - I'm not sure how we can pull it off. Or even /if/ we can, ah... really it's just an idea. ... fic: our intents and purposes (Rosalie, Rosalie/Emmett, etc) PG-13
There are days that she’s sure her family doesn’t like her (or maybe just Edward – Esme cannot hate, and Carlisle would refuse to). Why would Emmett? “Maybe you should ask him that,” Edward says, brushing by her. “He barely knows me,” ... Who Will She Pick?- the bachelorette-donezo yea! - I think Jesse!II
WTF- the sister doesn’t feel like she knows Jesse yet- seriously are you sure? I think this must be the shows way of throwing us off- I’ll be shocked if she doesn’t pick Jesse. What is pops trying to do? Yikes that might hurt him that ... Nugs (Bachelorette 4 final 2)
She’s either falling in love or in love with each of those guys. Now she announces that she knows what she wants? She told Graham, “You were the one I was falling in love with.” What is it two weeks later and she’s proclaiming that ... The Bachlorette - Final Rose
I love you with all my heart." They kiss, but she doesn't tell him she loves him back, as she wants to be sure she's only saying that to one man. The next day is her date with Jason. They go swimming with sharks! ... Hazard Pay
She could ask but she had a slight nagging feeling she'd get a dodgy answer. "Not sure what this job will pay ya, but if it's a decent amount, you could just like perma rent a place on some nearby camp ground. I'm pretty sure places do ... Prayers
I can tell you first hand - I have never seen her without a smile on her face, never heard her complain about her lot in life and always see her reaching out to help others. In fact, she made sure she had sent our wedding gift to us ...
|
|
|
