Does not Compute

There was a time – well in Hollywood fantasy land anyway - when you could ask a computer or robot to calculate 22 divided by 7 and the evil dictator’s machine would rock backwards and forwards, smoke billowing from it, saying in a slightly raised pitch monotone: “Does not compute! Does not compute!” Then, as it repeated the phrase the pitch gradually rose to a shrill. Amazing isn’t it? Just when the machine is in its last minutes it manages to work out how to alter pitch and get emotional.

Of course this stab at artificial intelligence - its first flicker of emotions – may have caused our hero to have second thoughts. “Of, all right then, 21 divided by 7”. Too late. The machine would be too busy trying to add yet more decimal places to PI. Its attempts to cheat death by developing human emotions would be too late and the world would be saved yet again.

“Does not compute!” – hey it might not sound much but it’s better than PCs telling you that “You have performed an illegal operation and you will need to report to the nearest police station”. At least “Does not compute” is more honest. I mean, evil dictators are not dishonest usually, are they? Nor are their computers, it seems. Evil, yes. Dictator? Yes…but not dishonest. I think that a dishonest evil dictator would be just too much.

No, “does not compute” is far more agreeable than a little paperclip man appearing from nowhere when you are just about to slam your fist on the mouse. There you are, steam that should be coming out of the PC is coming out YOUR ears and this little, er little “icon” is kind of fidgeting and smirking and looking at you and asking “Do you need help with this” and you know, you just know that this thing is not going to help you at all. It is just going to waste your time. It just teases you, just like those Troubleshooting Wizards, taking you through hours of diagnosis until it finally says, “I dunno, I give up”, or words to that effect. Now, I haven’t mentioned any names here, but the problem starts with Micro and ends with soft.

You know, I think this is a marketing problem more than anything else. Microsoft has been extremely successful, there is no doubt, and they certainly had their finger on the pulse when it mattered. It’s just that having millions of PCs all over the world wagging their finger at you saying “Next time turn your computer off properly” is a PR nightmare – a self-inflicted wound, sowing the seeds of anti-Microsoft hate. Personally I am not anti Microsoft. The XP system doesn’t have these problems – and let’s face it, Bill Gates is not an axe-murderer; he’s not even evil nor is he a dictator. And most Microsoft products do a perfectly good job nearly all of the time.

I think that nowadays they are much better at putting the customer first - keeping them in focus. Keeping the customer in focus surely means that the products should not only do the job, but also do the job well and be of the highest quality.

I carry out marketing duties for Arkay Hygiene (amongst other companies) and have insisted all along, that if I am going to try to sell their products, the products themselves must match the promise made for them, not to mention the customer service. They have not let me down. They sell Insect-o-Cutor fly killers – the highest quality fly killers on the market. They have a 5-year guarantee, but I have seen Insect-o-Cutor fly killers in shops and restaurants that are over 30 years old and still going strong. Arkay Hygiene is justly proud of their products. They keep thousands of kitchens, restaurants and food factories safe from disease. Now that DOES compute.

Come and see the range of fly killers from Arkay Hygiene. All with a 5-year guarantee. Buy on line at eeeee.co.uk

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