Talk Radio: Chest Thumpers Anonymous

State of of radio airwaves

Monthly I pay for multiple cable television channels and still can’t find anything to watch. I’ve grown tired of the reruns, syndications, and the plastic-faced pundits slinging words like “appeaser”, “traitor”, and “liberal” in an attempt to mold the minds of the masses. My wife suggested that maybe talk radio might be a welcome reprieve. So for months I ventured on a diet of radio only. My problem did not improve. It got worse.

One of the most popular of the super pseudo-patriot radio talk-show hosts once bragged that he had lost 60 pounds of body fat just so he could fit into the cockpit of an F-16 if called upon to do so. The irony is that when called upon to fight in the war of his generation, he couldn’t do it. He hawks the price of freedom like a 1940s newspaper boy, yet he seems to have learned well that it is always easier to let someone else pick up the tab. Personally, I’d like to see him knocked on his anal cyst.

Turn the AM dial and there is another big-mouthed sham, an ex-house remodeling contractor, who seems totally out of his element on radio. He also has a television program where he delights in sticking his finger in the face of guests who don’t agree with him or who may see the world a little differently. He looks like he was the kind of kid who got beat-up every other day on the schoolyard. A little military service may have done wonders to curb his ego and strengthen his backbone. His mother should have done a better job of teaching him manners. I wish he would invite me onto his show, because if he stuck his finger in my face I’d teach him what his mother didn’t. Don’t go looking for his DD214, you won’t find one.

Turn the dial again and you’ll find a gravel voiced, Wolfman Jack wanna-be who likes to interpret the world for everyone from the confines of his smoke stained white walled 6 X 8 radio studio. He is intellectually unarmed and doesn’t appear to understand the physics of a swinging pendulum. Too bad the record industry stopped making 45s; he’d have something else to spin. I distrust any conservative who wears sunglasses for his publicity pictures and is a no-show for his military obligation. I prefer to see my conservatives straight-up, blood-shot eyes and all.

Later in the night, you can catch the son of an ex-president who likes telling the story of how his dad single-handedly won the cold war. He never mentions the thousands of men and women who served in uniform during that period. Not surprisingly, he wasn’t one of them. I’d like to call to tell him that McDonalds, blue jeans, and rock-and-roll had as much to do with winning the cold war as his dad, but I just don’t have the heart.

Not wanting to miss out on the bad girl theme, the radio talk show industry has their own blond brigade that they roll out for us beer-drinking guys. One is the queen of her own show despite her nails-on-chalkboard voice. She is stiletto tongued and quick to tell you that her immense wisdom comes from the fact that she is an accomplished lawyer. She questions the patriotism of anyone who does not agree with her, but I can't find a record of her ever donning a jump suit and sweating off a few pounds on a flight deck. If there was ever a need to prove that we have too many lawyers in this country, the fact that they are hosting radio shows should be proof positive.

Strangely enough, one of the most intellectual and mannerly of the conservative radio hosts is a convicted felon. A real cloak-and-dagger type guy who bares a strange resemblance to a hobo arrested in Dallas during the JFK assignation. Nevertheless, I like the guy. He has the strength of his convictions, served his country in both uniform and trench coat, and is willing to do the time when he commits the crime. I’ve never heard him resort to name calling and spitting. Imagine that…a real American hero.

Last night I told my wife I was going downtown. She asked why. I told her I was going to buy a bookstore.

About the Author

Charles P. Howes is an Industrial Safety & Security Professional, Freelance Technical Writer, and Corporate Trainer. He lives in Green Bay, Wisconsin, and can be reached at http://www.charleshowes.com," target="_blank">www.charleshowes.com, or by telephone at 920-432-7334.

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