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Copywriting Makeover: Distinction and Benefits Part 2 of 2
Author : Karon Thackston
by Karon Thackston © 2006 http://www.copywritingcourse.com
In part 1 of this series (seen here:
http://www.marketingwords.com/articles/articles_subtlechanges.htm
l), we were introduced to Kneelsit.com, an Australian
manufacturer of ergonomic computer chairs who was in search of a
high conversion rate. After spotting several trouble areas
within Kneelsit's original copy (viewable here:
http://www.copywritingcourse.com/kneelsit-home-original.html), I
set out to rewrite the home page with specific goals in mind.
The Rewrite
I really felt for the users of these chairs. They had back
problems and medical issues, trying desperately to find relief.
I can only imagine how it must feel to sit in pain all day,
every day. And, after seeing so many false claims for other
chairs, I could understand how they might be skeptical. So,
after reading the new home page copy, I wanted the site visitors
to have confidence, to see the difference in the Kneelsit chair
and to understand the benefits this chair would offer.
Of course, those in chronic pain were not the only visitors to
the Kneelsit site. While they were the primary segment, the
audience also consisted of those with mild back pain, those with
inconsistent problems or simple fatigue, and those who simply
wanted a comfortable chair that wouldn't contribute to any
future back problems. The copy also needed to meet their needs
and provide the information they were seeking.
You can see the revised copy here:
http://www.copywritingcourse.com/kneelsit-home-new.pdf.
The Headline
The original headline did, in fact, list benefits. It stated:
Superb Comfort, Perfect Posture, Gentle Movement, Natural Balance
However, only one of those benefits spoke to audience members...
Superb Comfort. While posture may have been a secondary thought,
gentle movement and natural balance didn't strike a chord simply
because of a lack of knowledge. As it happens, these two
benefits are important, but the general population doesn't
understand what they mean. It would require educating the site
visitors about these two before they would grasp their full
meaning. That education couldn't take place within the headline
(not enough room!), so those two benefits needed to be removed.
The headline needed to evoke feelings of trust for the skeptical
and a sense of stability for the hesitant. It also needed to
provide an obvious benefit - one that would catch the reader's
attention.
Also, because it made sense to do so, I included one keyphrase
in the headline. The new headline read:
Ergonomic Chair Design Based On Years Of Research Lets You Sit
For Hours With No Back Pain
The Opening Paragraph
The original copy started out just fine by naming some important
benefits, but it didn't back them up. After pointing out the
relief of stress and pain, it went directly into an explanation
about the chair's patent.
The new copy took a cleaner path. It started by pointing out
that others (users and professionals) liked the chair, and then
it proceeded (in the next section) to explain why.
The original copy tried to educate readers about the importance
of continuous movement and natural balance. There is nothing
wrong with educating your customers; however, you need to give
ample space to do that. Because the visitors had limited
information about these two benefits on the home page, they may
have been confused or - at the least - unpersuaded.
The new copy held firm on one feature: the swivel axel
mechanism. It explained how this helped with customization of
settings to fit every body type and more. With minimal education
needed, the customer was able to understand that this one,
patented feature offered multiple benefits.
Rather than simply listing shipping details for the close of the
copy, the new version of the home page pointed out some
additional benefits pertaining to quality and stylishness.
As I wrote, I looked for places to use the keyphrases chosen for
this page. This was absolutely not a numbers game. My goal was
not to use the keyphrases as often as I possibly could. That
approach is not SEO copywriting, in my book.
Basing your copywriting strategy simply on the sheer volume of
times you can include keyphrases makes the copy sound forced and
ridiculous. In fact, on this home page, the keyphrases were only
used a total of four or five times. Yet, to the amazement of
some, the home page ranks in the top 10 (and often top five) for
its chosen key terms.
The Results
Did it work? Did the changes bring out the results we wanted?
They sure did! When asked about improved conversions, the owner
of Kneelsit.com had this to say, "Our conversion rate has
definitely improved since the rewrite... probably by around
35-40%!"
Sometimes, even though you may have included important
information in your copy, it just doesn't do what you hoped it
would. Take the time to explore, experiment and test. Replace a
headline. Rephrase a paragraph. Subtle changes can often make
noticeable improvements in conversions and other areas of
business.
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