|
Home::All
Are You Letting Your Children Manipulate You?
Author : Margaret Paul, Ph. D.
Rachael is the young mother of Nathan, who just turned two. Rachael is a stay-at-home mother who works part-time at home and has the help of a housekeeper five days a week. Rachael consulted with me because of her problems with Nathan.
“When Nathan is with David (her husband), he’s fine. He adores David and listens well to him. When he’s with Amalia (her housekeeper), he’s fine. He loves her and plays calmly with her. But when he’s with me, he’s impossible. He throws temper tantrums when he doesn’t get his way. He goes to sleep easily at night for David but not for me. I want so much to be a good mother and I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong. I never get angry with him but sometimes I feel like throwing him across the room! I need help!”
“Rachael, when you are with Nathan, what do you think is more important to you – to get him to love you or to be loving to yourself?”
Rachael replied instantly. “To get him to love me. I never think about loving myself. I just want him to love me. If he loves me, then I know that I’m a good mother.”
“And what does it say about you if you are a good mother?”
“It means that I’m okay,”
“So you have handed to Nathan the job of defining your worth. He has to love you for you to be okay. What do you think is most important to David?”
“Oh, David takes good care of himself. He really doesn’t seem concerned about whether or not Nathan loves him. He’s very loving to Nathan, but if David wants to eat dinner when Nathan want to play with him, he just eat dinner and Nathan seems to accept it. If I want to have my breakfast when Nathan wants to play, Nathan has a tantrum.”
“Rachael, Nathan has learned that he can manipulate you because you are so concerned with how he feels about you. As long as his loving you is more important to you than taking loving care of yourself, he will be able to manipulate you. This is not good for him or for you. It is too big a burden on him to have the responsibility of defining your worth. As long as your worth is attached to being a good mother, Nathan will be able to manipulate you.”
“I can see that. Amalia is like David. If she has work to do, she just expects Nathan to play by himself, and he does. She loves him, but she is firm about what she needs to do. I can see that I give in all the time because I don’t want him to be upset with me. What can I do now to change this?”
“First of all, you need to consciously detach your worth from being a good mother. You need to do some inner work on defining your worth separately from being a mother. Your sense of worth needs to be attached to who you are – your kindness, compassion, empathy, warmth, aliveness. You need to take responsibility for defining your own worth rather than making Nathan, David, or anyone else responsible.
“Second, you need to care about taking care of yourself as much as you care about taking care of Nathan. Nathan is a brat with you because you don’t care about yourself when you are with him, so he has learned to not care about you. You are teaching him not to care about you when you do not care about yourself.”
“Okay, I think I get this. I’m really going to try to do it differently.”
Next week when we spoke in our phone session, Rachael reported that things had already dramatically changed. Nathan was listening to her, going right to sleep when she put him down, and seemed happier in general. His tantrums had not yet completely stopped, but they were far fewer. Rachael, too, felt happier because she was finally taking care of herself and her own needs. For the first time since giving birth to Nathan, she was having some time to herself.
Article Source: http://www.articledashboard.com
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?" She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com.
Spam emails More free articles Related articles
|
More related feeds |
Let Kids Play!!: Brooms and Mops and Rakes
Let Kids Play!! I love toys--good toys. Toys that children will play with year after year. I want to share my love of toys with you so that you can find unique and fun gifts for the children in your life. ...Sometimes You Get What You Deserve « So Many Idiots, So Little Time
You run the biggest corporations. You run national politics. You control the media. You manipulate our financial markets. You label everything and everyone, for your own personal gain. Take a look in the mirror. You got what you wanted: ... Ohio: Hungry? Turn In Your Guns, Get Food, page 1
So this is how disarming starts .... kill the economy and make food so expensive that you'll turn in your guns for food. Your choice - let the kids starve or give up your guns. And if you decide to let the kids starve then the gov't ... Christmas Carols to Keep Your Spending in Check
fool you with a flair. Let’s make sure that Christmas is a businesslike affair. You’re eating up our lies and dashing to the stores Then all our prices rise and how the money pours If we don’t keep you drugged and watching your TV You ... Ask Experience Project: Do you think subconscious manipulation has ...
Do you think subconscious manipulation has become a normal mode of interpersonal communication? - Get Answers to your Questions Free, from People Who Know. Ask your question to people with the exact experience you're wondering about, ... Computers: You CAN Master Any Program | FedEx's Blog
Just open your mind, and you’ll see what’s before you; the incredible world of computers and the miraculous acts you can perform through them by your own miniscule hand. You know a lot more than you think you know. So click the mouse, ... THE FATHER LIFE | The Daily Men’s Magazine for Today’s Fathers ...
You’re also letting people know that you understand how authority works at the school and that bullies aren’t in charge. 2. Teachers can set rules. If there’s a problem with bullies at your school, principals and teachers can come up ... The Seven Fundamentals
The third fundamental is to forgive and let go. That idea may be a bit startling at first, but think about it for a minute. Do you consider yourself to be a victim? A victim of your circumstances? Or are you willing to assume ... Your Body, Your Decisions (You want to put WHAT inside me??)
If you’re going to put unhealthy things in your body, make it your own decision. Be conscious of marketing and try not to let it manipulate you. And finally, whatever you choose, speak up about insidious marketing of unwholesome foods, ... I'm not a magazine-shredding harpy (The Daily Juggle)
Move closer to your child or lean in to get their attention and then say in a matter-of-fact tone something like. “I just said that it’s time to get dressed. This is the second time I’m saying it. If you need another reminder then you ...
|
|
|
