|
Home::All
The holidays are upon us
Author : Carol Welsh
Do difficult relatives ruin your holidays year after year? I had a colleague, Traci, who proclaimed a few weeks before Thanksgiving that the family gathering would be ruined as usual because of her sister-in-law, husband, and meddlesome nephew. She had a defeatist attitude plus she figuratively put on full battle gear ready to go to war with these despicable in-laws.
I reminded her from previous conversations that you canÂ’t change the other person, but by changing how you approach this person, you could get a more favorable response. I explained that the minute they walked in the door they would sense her hostility and react accordingly. I suggested that she pretend this is the first time they are meeting. Welcome them into her home and as the hostess, keep the conversation light.
At the same time, she can make wise decisions based on their experience with the misbehaving nephew. She has a right to set boundaries and enforce them if the parents donÂ’t. What could she do differently this time since he didnÂ’t listen previously to not touch the computer? Traci decided to remove the keyboard from the computer. She also denied him access to the hot tub, which he had damaged the previous year.
I asked Traci why she went along with the suggestion that she have Thanksgiving at her house each year when both she and her husband had to work the day before and after the holiday. Her explanation was that her relatives expected it. Does that mean she is stuck in a rut forever? No! I asked if she had considered going out to dinner. There are plenty of places now where you can have a tasty turkey dinner and more. Traci agreed that the concept sounded like a great solution.
Well, Traci did succeed in letting go of her battle gear and having a good time. The in-laws responded favorably to her relaxed body language, and having to control the obnoxious nephew was much easier because both Traci and her husband enforced the boundaries. They turned a deaf ear to his constant whining.
However, the next year, Traci and her husband decided to recapture the pleasure of the holiday by announcing to the family that they were not going to have Thanksgiving dinner at their house. They were going out to eat. Eventually someone else volunteered—the in-laws she disliked! All she had to do was bring a dessert. The nephew was happy because he was in his own house and everyone had a good time.
Here are specific examples of how hot buttons are pushed based on the four perceptual styles: Audio, Feeler, Visual, and Wholistic. In each instance the person is operating through his or her Limiting Tendencies rather than Empowering Tendencies. Therefore they are reactive and hope to get a reaction from you. Following each example is a remedy for defusing the situation.
Audio: Uncle Bob is always argumentative. He claims he is just playing the DevilÂ’s Advocate. But eventually it triggers a shouting match because he is also sarcastic. Uncle Bob wants to evoke a reaction because simmering beneath the surface is anger and heÂ’s looking for a way to vent. Once you react, heÂ’s won! He now has an excuse to shout to intimidate you. He uses his temper to control others.
Remedy: When you start seeing red, take a deep breath and assess the situation. If you can leave the room, do so to calm down. There is always a reason to go into the kitchen, whether it’s to check on the food or to get a glass of water. If you feel you would be deserting the guests if you got up and went into the kitchen, change the subject. If appropriate, tell a joke—getting everyone laughing is a great way to defuse the situation.
Feeler: Aunt Jane enjoys being the martyr. The driving force behind her indignation is, “After all I’ve done for you and this is all the appreciation I get?” So she will tell you her tale of woe or all of her worries. Her subconscious goal is for you to feel sorry for her and maybe even wallow with her in her self-pity—misery does love company!
Remedy: Sometimes just quietly listening to her is all she needs. She wants to pour out all her problems and worries. Then steer the conversation to things she has been doing. Sincerely compliment her on her accomplishments, no matter how small. She just wants to feel needed and appreciated. If she offers to help, by all means accept it!
Visual: John is frustrated with his life. It’s just not turning out the way he had envisioned it. Subconsciously he wants you to feel as frustrated as he is. He might attack ideas with “No, it’ll never work.” Or he might slip into a funk and use the silent treatment: “If you don’t know what’s bothering me, I’m not going to tell you.” Either of those actions can frustrate you!
Remedy: Realize it’s a game to control you. Keep that smile on your face when you say, “I’m really sorry, John, that you aren’t having a good day. Hope you feel better soon.” Then walk away. If it’s at the dinner table, change the subject or turn your attention to someone else.
Wholistic: For years Chris has expressed resentment that she hasn’t gotten her just rewards. She should have gotten that promotion, but then what do you expect? There is a glass ceiling for women! This resentment triggers irritability and moodiness. So sometimes Chris goes off and sulks. With a sour look on her face she withdraws from the others. She secretly likes the thought that others might be wondering what’s her problem. “Good, let them wonder.” When she joins the others for the holiday dinner, she manipulates the conversation so she can impose her opinion about why life isn’t fair.
Remedy: Let her sulk. It’s not your problem! Otherwise when she becomes negatively opinionated, you can quickly defuse the situation by saying, “You are entitled to your opinion. You brought up some points that I will have to think about.” End of conversation! Even though you disagree, don’t get into an argument with her. You will not win!
If you believe certain relatives will ruin the holiday again because they always do, youÂ’re setting yourself up for failure. YouÂ’ll get what you anticipate. So throw away the battle gear and bring out the good cheer. It is possible to have "Happy Holidays."
Article Source: http://www.articledashboard.com
Carol Welsh, M.S. has over 25 yearsÂ’ experience as a speaker and workshop facilitator. SheÂ’s the author of STOP WHEN YOU SEE RED (2005). Her web site is www.stopred.com
Spam emails More free articles Related articles
|
More related feeds |
The "Holidays" are Upon Us
I enjoy Halloween and when working at Micron I missed the daily reminders of the different holidays. Micron always looks like an asylum inside; same plain gray hallways no matter what time of year. While shopping this week I couldn't ...The holidays are upon us!
It seems like time is just flying by - I was thinking today how it seems like all of the holidays are right upon us - some people I know already have their Christmas shopping finished and a lot of others that I know have not even ... I Accepted Neal Bloom's Advances! "The Week In Review" 9/29 to 10/05
Well the holidays are upon us and what a great way to let residents know what is going on in their area! Susie's blog is full of local information and check out her blog signature! If you are interested in doing The Week in Review, ... The Holidays Are Upon Us
For those of you who anticipate gaining 10 pounds this holiday season, may I recommend a little piece of heaven called Wonderland Bakery in Newport Beach & coming soon to Costa Mesa in South Coast Plaza Crystal Court. ... High Holidays: Barry Bonds and The Asterisk
Just as the home run baseball got an asterisk stamped upon it, our misdeeds can place a mark upon us. As we enter the High Holidays, let us take a few moments to reflect upon others, who like Barry Bonds might also need an asterisk next ... Thanks again Lori...
The black Halloween trees, Martha Stewart November/ Thanksgiving issue, and a Christmas catalog from WISTERIA. So BOO,GOBBLE, and JINGLE, the holidays are upon us!! Hope that is not copyrighted- Debra S.?? Matzo Ball Soup
The Jewish holidays are upon us! And along with these High Holy Days come the familiar dining traditions of Judaism. Although it is not Passover where Matzos Ball Soup is most commonly eaten, this is a dish that can be enjoyed all year ... ~
The holidays are upon us. Hope your weekend was good. Saturday we had a out side sale in our downtown area. There were several business's that participated. It was a big success and everyone was pleased. It was good to see our little ... The Holidays Are Coming...
It's hard to believe but that wonderful (and stressful!) time of year is once again upon us. Let us take some of the guesswork out of your gift-giving with our new Winter/Holiday line of baby accessories. Most are made from 100% fair ... Reining in Holiday Spending and Stress
It is October and, if it hasn’t already, the holiday season will soon start creeping up on us. We will see merchandise in the stores, ads on TV, decorations around town. I love the festivity of the season - the music, ...
|
|
|
