ArticlesReader.com

 

ArticlesReader.com Menu
Newest Articles
Most Viewed Articles
ArticlesReader.com RSS
Submit Article
Login
Signup
Search the articles

Articles Main Categories
Advice
Animals
Automobiles
Business
Career
Communications
Computer Programming
Computers
Entertainment
Environment
Family
Fashion
Finance
Food
Health & Medical
Home & Garden
Humor
Internet Business
Internet Marketing
Legal
Leisure & Recreation
Marketing
Other
Politics
Reference & Education
Religion
Self Improvement
Sports
Technology & Science
Travel
Writing
Subscribe
Receive alert message from us when new articles submitted to our site for free.

Enter your name

Enter your email

Syndicate

















Related Products
Home::Humor

Milk Goats - Know Thy Enemy

Author : Nola L. Kelsey
Patience may be a virtue, but laughter is the only way to survive goat milking. You can strive for the perfect fencing. You must aim for good nutrition. But, don’t kid yourself. When it comes to milking, you do not get the last word.



When I decided to add milk goats to my backyard farm I envisioned pitchers of milk cooling in the fridge while cheddar rounds age in my cellar. Spirit, my first nanny, had other ideas. There is an old saying I just made up: “Don’t expect instant gratification from your very first dairy goat lactation.” Like dating, expecting nothing is the first step toward not being let down. Perseverance is the next step toward surviving goats with your sanity moderately intact.



Spirit proved mutinous in milking. Even with twins at her side, she had ample milk to share. Generosity was simply not her forte. However, like falling off a bike or getting thrown from your horse, when you find a goat leg lodged in your right ear, you must climb right back on.



To help other potential farmers deal with inevitable frustration, I have provided the following journal. It documents my first full month of milking Spirit. From this draw hope. There is light at the end of the nipple.



Day 1: Leashed goat runs around tie post kicking and bucking. Never got near the teat.



Day 2: Build "EZ One Hour Goat Milking Stand" from online instructions. Define five hours in hell.



Day 3: Adjust Goat Milking Stand so goat’s big fat head will fit through the stocks into the feed box.



Day 4: Adjust Goat Milking Stand so goat’s skinny little head will not retreat from feed box out through the stocks.



Day 5: Collect 3.5 tsp. milk from flailing goat on milking stand.



Day 6: Dido.



Day 7: Tether goat’s leg. Goat kicks loose in .3 seconds.



Day 8: Tether goat’s leg better. Goat kicks loose dumping over 3.5 tsp. of milk.



Day 9: Try new tethering technique. Collect entire ounce of milk. Goat’s effort to kick loose succeeds only after she sheds 3.5 tsp. of hair into the shot glass of milk.



Day 10: Go to store. Buy milk.



Day 11 – 14: Discouraged. Just squirt some milk straight onto the milking stand so that the apparently dwindling right teat stays active.



Day 15: Goat now standing still while I collect three ounces of milk. Then the cantankerous witch sticks her foot in it.



Day 16 – 18: Dido, dido and dido.



Day 19: Right teat has all but vanished.



Day 20: Right teat empty.



Day 21: Spirit’s legal team serves me with papers declaring her functional left teat off limits and for her babies only.



Day 22 – 23: Practice milking technique while coaxing droplets from withered right teat.



Day 24: Have mastered milking with right hand while my left hand holds the receptacle up, dodging the maniacal wenches attempts put her foot in the milk. Net bounty from flat tit approx 1.4 oz. Note: Goat still shedding.



Day 25-26: Milk rations slightly increasing. Goat and cottonwood trees now both shedding into the milk receptacle.



Day 27: Babies distract me by biting my shirt while I am milking. Spirit’s foot returns to the milk receptacle.



Day 28: Babies adamant about eating my clothes while I milk. I steal milk from their precious left teat.



Day 29: Babies try to distract me by eating my hair. I try to ignore them. Goat flinches. My foot avoider reflex overcompensates, hurling the milk directly inside my protective LASIK goggles. Startled by my French, both babies run off in opposite directions with my hair still in their mouths.



Day 30: And the beat goes on.



Day 31: Average daily yield now totals around 10 oz. Source: two milkings per day from 1.2 tits.



Remember, when the day comes, and it will, where you just walk up to your nanny and quickly squirt a little milk straight into your morning coffee then wander off sobbing, bear in mind with a little patience, all this can be yours.


Article Source: http://www.articledashboard.com





The preceding was an excerpt from the scathingly wicked satire Bitch Unleashed: The Harsh Realities of Goin’ Country. A free e-book copy of Bitch Unleashed is available on Nola Kelsey’s web site at www.NolaKelsey.com.





Spam emails More free articles

Related articles


  1. If Real People Ran the Bank - I (a spoof for the heart)
  2. If, An Online Marketer's Internet Addiction Poem, Can You Relate to This?
  3. Pee Here Now
  4. How I Spent my Summer Vacation
  5. Dog Poo - And You Thought You Had Problems
  6. How To Get Attention, or: 'As You Read This, You Feel an Irresistible Urge to Go On Reading!'
  7. Psychiatric Psychiatrist - A Joke on Psychiatry
  8. Computers According to Carol
  9. Voodoo Munchies
  10. Local Author Joins History and Humor To Tell His Stories
  11. The Language of Appalachia
  12. Discover the Lighter Side of the Internet
  13. Military Wives
  14. Marines Don't Take Crap
  15. The Patience of Job
  16. Can't Get There From Here
  17. The Superior Mind -- Man vs. Mouse
  18. Rural Relocation – Considerations and Adjustments
  19. Chicken Rearing 101 – How Not to Raise Chickens
  20. 8 Reasons Why You Should Email Me One Dollar
  21. Timothy Ward's Great Coloring Book Rebirth
  22. Bat Ejection Techniques – Country Survival Course #27
  23. Halloween Howler
  24. Gone Fishing For Trivia
  25. Birds of a Feather
More related feeds
Milk Goats - Know Thy Enemy (Resource for Refractive Eye Surgery ...
We present information on eye care, eye health and vision correction options. An internet based resource for eye disease research and patient support.

Milk Goats - Know Thy Enemy
Milk Goats - Know Thy Enemy by.

Food for Thought: Meet Your Meat | Ron Paul Wins! | Campaign for ...
We ate an balanced diet of meat, veggie's, and goats milk products. It was fairly easy to pick out the vegs who came into the stores. They were usually pale, thin, and fragile in general. Not everyone, of course, ...

Towards Sustainability: Raw Milk vs. Pasteurised Milk
There are several of my family members who could not tolerate milk, so they did not consume it for many years. In my mother's case, well over 50 years. I started buying A2 milk for my children. I did not know if the propositions about ...

» FDA says cloned meat and milk safe - again Dvorak Uncensored ...
They just toss yeast into a vat of grain and water. And brew it until beer comes out. So why not brew meat and dairy? And eliminate all the waste in between. Oh, I know. They still haven’t cracked that pesky DNA code thing. ...

mi1: Makkal Sakthi Activities Invite for Thaipusam in Penang
If you wish your merit to be known, acknowledge that of other people. Oriental Proverb Use your enemy's hand to catch a snake. Persian Proverb Go often to the house of thy friend; for weeds soon choke up the unused path. ...

OpEdNews » 5 to 4-One More Vote To Tyranny
Who belives that it is already past the time when electoral politics can save our republic. Drat, I was right about that too! Have turned my resources to vegetable gardening and chicken raising. I'll let ya know if I add milk goats. ...

Dog attack and livestock (part one) « Women Not Dabbling In Normal
These are “good dogs,” ie dogs that aren’t aggressive toward humans and know to play nice with cats and other dogs, but chickens and rabbits and the one milk goat in this township? Fair game. on December 22, 2008 at 8:32 am AnnaMarie ...

Woolgathering and Widdershins » Blog Archive » Goat Care Basics
Very nice blog on goats. However I think that dairy goats need more pellets than meat goats since dairy goats are producing about a gallon of milk a day. But you are right that they love shrubs very much. October 25th, 2008 at 7:55 am ...

Zionism Now: The Gaza Campagn 2009: Same Gentile Claims ...
As the global-jihadist are gaining momentum everyday throughout the world, it's becoming more and more important to know this enemy and what they are about. I once had a used bookstore owner get very disgusted with me because I ...