|
Home::Humor
The Perks of Global Warming
Author : Nola L. Kelsey
Marya Mannes once wrote, The earth we abuse and the living things we kill will, in the end, take their revenge; for in exploiting their presence we are diminishing our future. Obviously Ms. Mannes preferred the status quo - health, sanity, logic, blah, blah, blah. Why? Green House Roulette is so much more intriguing.
In the country, weather affects everything. For five years Western South Dakota has been gripped by drought. Water and hay are vanishing. Farms and ranches are blowing away. While the government bails out victims from hurricanes and says, South Dawho? our cattle are pissing dust mites. Fortunately, things are looking up.
There is some good news! Those pesky glaciers are finally melting off! Last year an eight-nation report estimated an area of Arctic icepack the size of Texas and Kansas is gone. For those who are geographically impaired, that is an area bigger than a breadbox.
At first, news of devastating global climate change might seem a bit of a bummer. Then I read an LA Times article and had a change of heart. The article began with the usual gloom. Greenlands ice cap is melting. Our coasts will flood from rising seawater. Inuit hunters are falling through thinning ice. Melting glaciers change ocean temperature and salinity contorting the jet stream, which results in altered weather patterns worldwide. Multitudes of species are dying off . . . It was disheartening.
Then I got to the articles final paragraph. Bam! My faith was restored. Here the Times pointed out the perks of global warming. Seriously, the article actually ended saying: The report is not all gloomy. A warmer Arctic could increase the number of some species, such as Arctic char, a fish. It could extend the growing season for wheat in Canada and open up now-treacherous sea routes, such as the Northwest Passage and the Northern Sea Route, which parallels Russia, for shipping and resource exploration.
Three cheers for the LA Times! Its true! All is not gloomy. With that glorious bit of sunshine pumped straight up my ski bibs, I was able to see things in a whole new light. I started thinking of other advantages to global warming. Soon you will agree that people from all walks of life will benefit.
For starters, Inuit Hunters will benefit! Once Inuit have nothing left to hunt there will be no need for them to risk falling through thin ice. Plus, by needing food they will be ripe for a floating (pontoons, not ice) Arctic Super Wal-Mart. Go get em, Sam.
Boat owners will benefit! Not only will there be smooth sailing through the formerly bothersome ice of the Northwest Passage, but each summer, cruise ships will be able to run tourists straight up Bourbon Street in New Orleans.
Scuba Divers will benefit! There will be no more burning coral cuts. In fact there will be no more coral. Once all the reefs are gone, divers can pack away first aid kits and dive straight in. A little silt never cut anyone.
Canadian Wheat Farmers will benefit! You see, there is a 10% decrease in yield of corn from Midwest crops for every degree of global warming. No worries though, now wheat can take the place of corn. Think about all those scrumptious Wheat Dogs at the ball game. How about popped wheat with butter at the movies or steaming wheat on the cob? All scream yummy to me.
While it is a bit ironic that ethanol is made from the corn crops global warming devastates, I am sure some aspiring chemist will rise to the challenge of developing Wheatanol. Imagine Canuck Wheat Farmers having more influence than the Saudi Royal Family.
Dune-Buggy enthusiasts will benefit! The Dakotas will soon reopen for your 4-wheelin pleasure. Join the Mount Rushmore Nose Climb on July 4th! It will be a bugger of a challenge!
Eco-Tourism Operators will benefit! Companies could offer new Emaciation Tour Packages. Tourists get closer photos of polar bears and whales when they are too lethargic from starvation to meander away. In addition, long treks to Inuit villages can be avoided once they are forced to beg on the streets of Nome (or cashiering at Wal-Mart).
Finally, the next generation of Bush family politicians will benefit! Once again they can avoid addressing campaign issues, this time by distracting dehydrated voters with witty campaign phrases like; No Kyoto Pact-No Ice Pack, or Dead Seals Never Flip-Flop, even promising No Char Left Behind. Not to mention offering new, SPF 800 tax credits.
Well, by golly, I do feel better! Shall we spin the Rolette wheel some more?
Article Source: http://www.articledashboard.com
The preceding was an excerpt from the scathingly wicked satire Bitch Unleashed: The Harsh Realities of Goin Country. A free e-book copy of Bitch Unleashed is available on Nola Kelseys web site at www.NolaKelsey.com.
Spam emails More free articles Related articles
|
More related feeds |
Cities give 'green' light on parking perks for hybrid drivers
Climate Ark. Climate Change and Global Warming Portal. Featuring Customized Climate Search of Reviewed, Authoritative Content. Climate Change Search. Internet News Links Site. Climate Ark News Archive. Non-profit climate news archive ...Press Release - NRDC Urges Immediate Clean Up and Stronger ...
Mr. Summers, then the deputy Treasury secretary, said at the time that there was a compelling scientific case for action on global warming but that a too-rapid move against emissions of greenhouse gases risked dire and unknowable ... Global warming has its perks, just ask Russia
And it’s feared that Russia’s new take on the perks of global warming will mean that they’ll emerge as the real renegade at Copenhagen next year. But who’s to say they can’t get the jump on this thing ahead of 09 and get busy warming? ... The Perks of Global Warming
Because, let’s face it, Global Warming has got its perks. I like going to the beach after Labor Day. I love wearing a T-shirt until Halloween. And, honestly, it’s great being able to show up to Thanksgiving with a tan. ... President Bush may be giving Obama breathing room to fight global ...
LA Times: President Bush could be forcing President-elect Barack Obama to act almost immediately to curb global warming, after years of the Bush administration fighting attempts to crack down on ... The Perks of Global Warming
Here the Times pointed out the perks of global warming. Seriously, the article actually ended saying: “The report is not all gloomy. A warmer Arctic could increase the number of some species, such as Arctic char, a fish. ... Senate Hearing Today on Tennessee Sludge Spill - Environmental ...
Our mission is to promote clean energy alternatives, to mitigate global warming, and to raise public awareness about the liabilities of coal fired power plants. Obama Nominates Nobel Prize Winning . ... Switchboard, from NRDC :: Rob Perks's Blog :: The New Reality for ...
At the same time, the fossil fool industries represented by ACCCE spent over $125 million combined in the first nine months of 2008 to lobby Congress to delay global warming pollution reductions until carbon capture technology is ready. ... The Perks of Global Warming
Because, let’s face it, Global Warming has got its perks. I like going to the beach after Labor Day. I love wearing a T-shirt until Halloween. Canada's Tar Sands: Looking for Oil in All the Wrong Places
Perhaps it's no surprise that the petroleum geologist who wrote it advocates ignoring the perils of global warming in order to secure a pipeline to tar sands oil that will offset America's reliance on foreign oil from hostile regimes. ...
| |
