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Home::Humor

You Know Your Breath May Be A Tad Funky When...

Author : Ed Williams
You know your breath may be a tad funky when....

You eat a big plate of spaghetti and meatballs for dinner along with several slices of garlic bread, and notice that more people are coming up to you and talking with you after dinner than before.

The group standing alongside you waiting to board an elevator hang back and decide to wait for the next one once you’ve entered.

Your old maid aunt who has tried kissing you right on the lips for years offers you just a handshake at your most recent family reunion.

Bargain packs of Tic-Tacs start mysteriously appearing on your desk at work.

At a Halloween party you are repeatedly urged to bob for apples, even though you’ve done so several times already.

At the movies, your date whispers that she would love for you to pick up a big box of Junior Mints, you proceed to do so, and then she refuses to eat any of them when you come back from the concession stand.

Your toothbrush gets replaced without you having to ask.

No one wants to ride in your pick-up truck with you, even if you offer to take them over to Wal-Mart for a free ICEE.

People treat you exactly the same after you eat an “all the way” dog from Nu-Way as they did before you ate it.

The group of guys you hang out with stop telling stories regarding the stinkiest moments they’ve ever endured with various and sundry friends and family members whenever you happen to be around.

You notice dead insects strewn around the rooms in your house that you frequent the most.

Getting someone to slow dance with you takes an Act of Congress.

When it’s windy, people seem to like you better.

Your children break into uncontrollable laughter when a Pepe LePew cartoon is shown on TV.

You ask someone for a piece of gum, and they give you two (or more) pieces.

You’re sitting outside with a group of friends on a patio and the mosquitoes aren’t buzzing around you nearly as much as they are the rest of the group.

People walk in and ask you to open the windows in your office, even when it’s cold.

At the kissing booth at the local fair, the woman kisser pays you not to kiss her.

No one around you really seems upset when you tell them your throat is sore and that you probably won’t be talking very much the next several days.

When you wake up each morning you note that your wife’s head is hanging off the mattress on the opposite side of the bed from you.

At your child’s birthday party, you’re not asked to blow up the balloons.

At the gym you seem to have no problem getting on any piece of equipment that you want to.

When driving a group of people around, someone notes that the local paper mill really seems to be paying off...

Dogs don’t seem to spend much time around you as they used to.

People around you wince when you use your breath to help clean your glasses.

Everyone in the room with you gets an embarrassed look on their faces when a mouthwash commercial suddenly appears on TV.

When visiting the local petting zoo, your kids seem to want to stand closer to the pig pen than they do you.

Nobody seems to care when you announce that you’re going to pick up some Ex-Lax.

People start asking you if you have an affinity for dairy products.

You’re the undisputed arm wrestling champion at your local bar because no one seems to want to challenge you for the title.

No one notices that you had two bowls of raisin bran for breakfast.

Your wife starts making comments to you about the need to keep your mouth closed while eating.

Friends start asking you when was the last time that you visited your doctor for a check-up.

Several of those same friends ask you if you’ve read Ed Williams’ current column...


About the Author

Ed’s latest book, “Rough As A Cob,“ can be ordered by calling River City Publishing toll-free at: 877-408-7078. He’s also a popular after dinner speaker, and his column runs in a number of Southeastern publications. You can contact him via email at: ed3@ed-williams.com, or through his web site address at: www.ed-williams.com.

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