Closing the Feedback Loop

In earlier articles, I've often spoken about the supreme importance
of becoming a good listener. I've even gone as far as to suggest
that listening might be the most important communication skill of them all.

It should be so simple. Yet, it's not simple.

Before I explain why, let me tell you an enlightening story. Dr. Mort Orman of Stresscure.com conducted a communication seminar for a group of experienced physicians on the staff of a certain hospital. It was held on the hospital premises. One particular doctor was a rather reluctant attendee - he showed up only because his department head
had pressured him to do so.

During the seminar, participants were paired up with partners,
and one member of each pair was asked to play the role of a
patient with a problem. The partner played the role of
physician or counselor.

The catch was the "doctors" weren't allowed to do or say
anything. Their job was just to sit and listen, while their
"patients" described their complaints and thought aloud while
trying to work out their own solution.

As Dr Orman notes (and as a veteran physician, he should
know!) to tell a doctor to just sit there and listen - without as
much as thinking of what to do - is usually asking an awful lot.
But the response of our reluctant participant took everyone by
surprise.

For the first time, he really understood...

At the end of the experiment, when everyone was sharing their
insights and experiences, he raised his hand and announced
with unmistakable enthusiasm: "What I learned from this
exercise is that I almost never listen to my patients! I'm
mostly paying attention to the thoughts in my own head, and I
never really appreciated this until today."

Apparently, this man was so excited by this new awareness
of self that whenever there was a short break in the remaining
seminar proceedings, he would rush upstairs to practice
listening to his patients. He would sit on the bed, ask a few
questions, and then listen intently.
In fact, he was so impressed with his newly-found power - not
dawning on him that he had possessed it all along - that he
would consistently arrive late for start of the following session.
For the first time, he felt he really understood what made his
patients tick - or why they weren't ticking, depending which
way you look at it.

Now, when you go out your way to try to understand how
others are feeling, how they perceive a given situation, what's
really bugging them, the process, as a rule, doesn't just
end there. Well, at least, it shouldn't.

Most likely, you'll respond. You'll communicate back to the
other parties your awareness of their feelings and perceptions,
your appreciation of their hopes, doubts and fears. Before you
know it, you have created what some writers call a feedback
loop.

To close a feedback loop, in short, requires validation of the
message your opposite number wants to convey to you, even
if you don't agree with it.

Here's a true incident to illustrate what can happen when a
feedback loop is not closed. It's a very extreme example,
and it's very far from a pretty story. But it does give us
something to think about.

During World War Two, one cattle car after another, packed
with human cargo, arrived at the Auschwitz death camp.
Terrified, naked people were driven with whips into the gas
chambers.

But two young men managed to escape under a pile of
clothing that was being carted away in a truck. Even more
than the desire to save their own lives, they were motivated by
the wish to warn their fellow Jews of the incredible scenes
they had witnessed with their own eyes.

Unfortunately, hardly any one believed them. The few who did
were silenced as being crazy or lacking in faith. Eventually,
both young men committed suicide.

As I said, an extreme, most tragic, case. Who knows how
we would have reacted had we been the listeners?

But at least we should understand the added pain of a spouse
or fellow worker who shares with us something weighing very
heavily on their minds, when we respond with a glib,
perfunctory: "Don't worry, everything will be OK!"

It's like removing a chair from under their feet.

Azriel Winnett is the creator of Hodu. com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular website helps you to improve your communication and relationship skills on all levels, in business and professional life, in the family unit, and on the social scene. New articles added almost daily.

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