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Home::Advice
Infidelity Discovered: Why He/She Won't Tell Me the Truth?
Author : Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
Upon discovery of infidelity there is often a strong need to
know the details. What happened? When? Where? Why? etc. The
reasons for these questions are examined in my first article on
this subject: "Infidelity: Why the Need to Know is so Strong."
You have the need to know, but his/her lips are sealed or walks
away, ignores or bypasses your questions, puts it back on you,
denies or does other numbers on you to keep you away from
knowing what really happened. There are predictable reasons why
this happens. Here's some of them:
1. Your partner/spouse is involved in an "I don't want to say
no" affair. Your partner probably is a person wrapped up in his
own ego, personal needs, and life style. He can rationalize the
behavior and actually come to the conclusion that he is entitled
to get his needs met this way. After all, he is such a
magnanimous person! Bottom line: your needs and concerns really
don't matter! He doesn't want to talk about them and sees
absolutely no reason to get "bogged down" in what is important
to you.
2. Your spouse/partner is involved in an "I can't say no"
affair. Your partner finds it painfully difficult to respond to
your need to know out of shame and guilt. She sees, at one
level, her actions becoming more and more destructive and
degrading and believes, again at an unspoken level usually, that
she has less and less control over her actions. Guilt and shame
follow the infidelity with self-promises to break off the
behavior. However, these promises are usually broken. She is
ashamed for you to know this struggle.
3. Your partner/spouse is involved in a "revenge" affair. He
wants you to squirm. This may not be front and center in his
consciousness, but just below the surface is some resentment and
anger, for whatever reason, aimed in your direction. He thinks:
"Hmmmm this is payback time. Good. Now she knows what it's like
to be on the receiving end. I'll continue this for a while...and
secretly enjoy her torment. I won't give her the satisfaction of
responding in a caring way to her needs."
4. Your partner/spouse is involved in an affair with the intent
upon proving her desirability. In some cases where there is a
history of sexual abuse as a child, or rape as an adult, your
partner may compartmentalize the "affair" to the degree that she
might not consciously remember the details or events of her
infidelity. The infidelity may serve in a pre-conscious fashion
as an attempt to amend for the painful sexual history. She may
NOT indeed remember what you ask for.
5. Your partner/spouse is involved in affairs such as: " I fell
out of love" or "My Marriage Made Me Do It" or "I Want to be
Close to Someone...but can't stand intimacy." Often, the
infidelity in these cases represents the need to deal with
dependency issues. By that I mean, your partner may define
himself in terms of how others respond to him rather than his
inner values, standards, purpose, etc. This person's life is
wrapped around others. And his life is still wrapped around you.
You want to know. He doesn't tell you... for fear of "hurting
you" or becoming embroiled in pain or conflict from which he
cannot seemingly extricate. What you (or others) think, feel and
how you respond are TOO important to him.
As you see, the reasons for not getting the information you need
for your own sense of validation and acknowledgement are varied
and fairly complex. Allow yourself to stand back and examine the
themes and patterns you encounter. With the power of this
knowledge you gain the freedom to use different strategies and
tactics to work toward resolution.
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